I'm attracted to someone else...

I have been married for 7 years. My husband and I have two kids, 1 and 3 years old. I have a significant problem. I am extremely attracted to my boss who happens to be the same age as me and possesses those qualities that I often criticized my husband for not having - spontaneous, quick witted, fun, exciting - all the things that life is not always about on a daily basis. My husband is also quick witted and bright, but is also very bottom line and highly focused on day to day responsibilities that are not so exciting - job, bills, etc. I have the opportunity to act on my attraction, which I believe is mutual. In fact, at work the other day I was talking to a visiting speaker who was male, and my boss was listening in on the conversation and looked as if he was jealous, his face was flushed. He often teases me and compliments me about my appearance, even in front of others. I do like it and have not discouraged it. My boss and I have never been explicit about our feelings, but, to me, sexual tension is there. Because I directly report to him, we often have to talk one-on-one, and when we do, he often gets very close to me and stares straight into my eyes. When leaving, I have caught him looking at me. My heart says to act on it, and I have mildly flirted with him, but my brain says no, because I am scared of the consequences. Is this natural? What should I do?

The situation you are in is not uncommon. Some people call it the "7-Year Itch." As you realize, you are attracted to elements that are apparently absent in your marriage. Below I'll give you a 7-Step Program for the 7-Year Itch.
Your heart says to act on it.... Hmmmm.... I would ask you to really look at exactly which part of your anatomy is calling out to you on that one. Your brain correctly realizes there would be consequences... and that furthermore, you are in a position of responsibility for those consequences.... and cautions you wisely.

The problem is in the nature of having an intimate relationship itself. Currently you and your husband have built up emotional walls -- interestingly enough, to insulate each other from the pain of losing someone so important in each of your lives --- i.e., each other. The walls are built of your own fears. They hold back potential pain. But they also hold back all that joy and passion you miss. It takes some courage and work to break through walls. But it can be done if you are willing to take responsibility for doing it.

In general, most relationship psychologist see affairs and fantasies of outside sex as signs that people are cutting themselves off from the elements of their own passion in the midst of the person they have chosen to marry. The path that is most frequently advocated is to encourage a person to find within themselves what holds them back from getting that passion in their chosen relationship -- and what holds them back from enrolling their partner in the important venture of breaking through the walls that hold them apart and keep their passion hidden from view.
Since there is truly a lot to lose for you and your family in the dangerous situation you are in, I suggest you carefully consider what your heart really wants here. Your heart. Not that part of you that is excited by the boss. Your heart.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I have worked with far too many women who went ahead with their impulse who tell me --- after the fact --- that if they had only known -- they wish they had come to see me for counseling with their husbands before -- and wish they had never acted on those impulses. I know that there is nothing so powerful as the call to exciting passionate union -- that it is a powerful force with a will of its own. However, I suggest you get counseling, you do anything possible to thoroughly explore the possibilities of tearing down the walls that separate you and your husband from your natural passion for each other. And save your kids from years of having bad relationships based on watching and learning from you.

Here is a 7-Step Program for the 7-Year Itch. There are 7 steps necessary if you are going to make a clean and responsible choice as to what to do with the energy that is coming up in your life now:

(1) Take responsibility for the current state of your relationship. Examine your own role in how it is now. Look at what holds you back from making -- and demanding -- any changes. Do this on the inside of yourself. If you don't take responsibility for your life right now, you are giving all your power to other people.

(2) Make an authentic and relentless commitment to create a break through in your marriage to include the missing passion, including getting at least 3 months of high-quality counseling, individually and jointly. Enroll your husband in this program. Do not accept no for an answer. Impress upon him the critical importance of doing this, perhaps by even revealing to him the honest state of your inner feelings about your marriage and your current vulnerable and dangerous situation with regards to having an affair. Let him clearly know that the reason you are telling him this now --- before you act on any impulses --- is because you are committed to making a breakthrough in your marriage right now, or else!

(3) If it does not make a bit of difference at the end of all that, then state to your husband your desire to get going on getting a divorce.

(4) Wait to see if that final ultimatum unleashes a break in the wall (it often comes to that when people are really stuck in the mud).

(5) If even that remains a dull, humdrum event with no transformation of the marriage in sight, get your divorce

(6) Complete that relationship -- both emotionally and legally; do all the separation of assets, moving to a new location, setting up your co-parenting agreements (probably with the help of the counselor with whom you both worked. Yes, I have gone through this stage with some couples I've worked with).

(7) Make sure that you have learned all the ways in which you were responsible for the failure of that marriage, and work those out within yourself -- so that you will not have to fail in a similar way in your next significant relationship. He or she that denies their part in history are doomed to repeat it. The same lessons will just keep coming up again and again until you learn them. This connects back to taking responsibility in step (1) above, only you are taking responsibility after the fact and learning not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

At this point in time, you are emotionally and psychologically ready to pursue a new relationship in a way that will have some chance to succeed in the longrun. Of course, most people do not go through the 7 steps. So they create havoc in their own lives and the lives of others involved (including the children). They may use an affair as a way to exit a relationship, or they have a series of re-bound relationships that crash and burn each time they discover the "real" other person --- after the intoxication of the honeymoon passion wears off.

I generally advise someone to truly choose who they want and then take full responsibility for it before acting. The choice is simple and straightforward. Choose one person or the other. Be honest and authentic and up-front. Do it 100% -- entirely. I generally tell people to, choose to stay with their mate and keep their family unit intact and work on bringing out in that relationship the things they feel are missing. Or choose the other person, but first go through the process of leaving their mate, separating their family, and then, once achieving emotional and legal completion, go for that apparently greener grass on the other side of the fence.

This is advice that unfortunately often falls on deaf ears. Most people live their lives in a spontaneous and reactive way, never take full responsibility for anything, and are simply reacting to external things in other people much of the time. (People who say, for instance, that it's their mate's fault that their relationship is so lackluster, as if they themselves have nothing to do with it. As if all the causal factors are external to them.) They bounce around from one mate to another, each time thinking they have finally found "the one" -- that external person that will finally make them happy, since it has nothing to do with themselves, it must be about finding the "right" person --- never realizing that after the honeymoon again come the dishes, and the challenges, and that, ultimately, each time around the merry-go-round, they end up fully responsible for their own happiness, like it or not. Most people have to learn to take full responsibility for their lives. Usually by acting out their impulses and learning the hard lessons of taking responsibility the hard way -- by discovering the extremely painful consequences of their actions after they mess things up thoroughly.

I sincerely hope that you take your situation in hand, thoroughly examine your part in it, and make a clean and clear choice. Do consult your heart. Open your heart to the man you call your husband and open your heart to the children you have chosen to create and open your heart to doing things in a way that will create the least amount of pain and suffering. And also, perhaps, open your heart to the possibility that you might experience an even deeper and more longlasting passion --- including wall-socket sex --- if you can co-create an authentic breaking of the walls --- with that dull, behind-the-wall guy you share a home with now.

	< Previous Page				Ask Your Question