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I am dating an unhappily married man...
I have been dating a new guy for two weeks now. He told me that he is in a unhappy marriage, sleeps on the floor or on the couch. He bought his wife over from another country, and then she changed on him.
We see each other for many hours a day, we love each others' company, but I am worried about the wife. He has not had sex with her for over a year, and she does not want to go back to her country either. I don't know if I am going too get hurt?
You seem to believe his story. But it seems to us that he certainly must be lying to someone -- at least to his wife. We doubt he is keeping her as up to date about you, as he "appears" to be keeping you informed about her.
So there would seem to be a high probability that deceit is in his behavioral repertoire. But that's not all. Take his story at face value and we notice his proclivity to weasle his way around problems -- rather than deal with them head on.
And that's our best case analysis of the situation. So be warned.
To be blunt, his story really sounds like a well worn story that a married guy uses to get laid outside his marriage. It plays on a prospective sexual companion's sympathies and eliminates any sense of competition. It's a story made for scoring. It also portrays the guy as a hapless victim -- rather than a calculating perpetrator.
But maybe he really is a victim. Then we need to ask you why you
are attracted to a guy who acts like he is a victim? Do you know
the improbability of acheiving a solid relationship with a guy who
acts like a victim?
Now let's look at your potential role in such an affair. They say what goes around comes around. Right now you can play the "other woman" role. Fast forward the pattern in your mind. Later you can play the "wife" role. Think it all the way through.
If you pursue this romance you are implicitly endorsing a model
for behavior in life and love. So be sure you understand the model
you are acting out. Visualize yourself in that future wife role -- down
the road with this gent -- and then tell me how this same model
for behavior works for you from that viewpoint. How do you feel
when the next "other woman" enters, stage left?
We say throw this one back into the sea, and go on about your life as if there is not really an important opportunity here for anything of lasting value here.
If he ever does move beyond the victim role and becomes free and clear -- and if you are still available -- then perhaps give this a second look.
In the past they used the term "eligible" to describe a guy who was a good candidate for longterm love and possibly marriage. We might want to reinstate that term, to help keep matters clear from the start.
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