Arguing is tearing our marriage apart...

My husband and I have been married for two years now. I truly believe he is my best friend and soulmate. But lately we've been arguing alot. Even on the phone we tend to argue about small, petty things. I feel like he takes a lot of anger out on me and I always seem to get my feelings hurt. He has a real tendency to shut down, as do I, but then we end up fighting all over again. Any idea what I should do? How do we bring up issues without getting defensive?

Arguments can erode any relationship, no matter how much love is there. Love is not enough. It is destructive to keep arguing or reacting when trying to communicate. Sooner or later, things get said or done that cannot be taken back.

You are digging yourselves into a deep hole. People inside that hole are blaming, being critical, condemning each other, getting defensive, shutting down, or stonewalling. Nothing ever gets resolved in that hole. But most couples act as if they truly believe there is a pile of precious gold at the bottom. They are incorrect.

You can only resolve your issues when you are outside that hole, when you are being resourceful and constructive. So it's important for you to know rule one for what to do when you find you're in a deep, dark hole: Stop digging!
Whenever you start to get upset, and things are headed towards that hole, it will better serve you -- and your marriage -- to take a time out.

Say, "I am not resourceful enough right now to solve this. I need to take some time out. I want to get back together later and make some positive headway on this."

Use your time out wisely. Physical activity can be used to burn off the excess energy. Go for a walk. Meditate. Breathe. Center yourself. Visualize a positive outcome for your future discussion. Scientists have measured that it takes at least an hour to calm down and become more resourceful. Do not attempt to discuss a topic again until you know you are ready. Otherwise, things will only escalate further.

The strategy of taking time outs should not be used to sweep things under the rug or avoid difficult topics. Things will not just work themselves out without your active participation. You can learn to work though charged topics with greater ease and skill. This takes practice -- and perhaps courage, at first. The intent of taking time out is to come back with the best of who you are -- and find a mutually workable resolution.

Research shows the importance for all of us to learn to skillfully handle conflicts -- so we can truly resolve each issue rather than recycling it and building up resentments.

All couples have occasional issues to handle. Couples who make it longterm have been willing to learn and master effective strategies for resolving their issues.

So dust off those self-help volumes sitting on your bookshelf. Use these difficult times as an opportunity to master some important new skills. Beyond taking time out, you may want to develop new verbal communication skills, emotional intelligence, self-soothing, or anger self-management strategies.

We suggest you sit down with your partner soon to invite him to join you in learning strategies that will help you better resolve conflicts. You have an incredibly important opportunity here. You can now dramatically increase your chances of beating the odds and enjoying a longterm marriage filled with lasting love and happiness.

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