He refuses to change...

I was married at 19. I am now 28 been married 9 years... although lately decided I didn't want to feel like a doormat no longer so changed myself into a person I love... My problem is my husband... well we never have been able to communicate and I love to talk... he walks away when I try to tell him how I'm feeling... he does not like doing anything... such as walks or family functions. In fact we have never been to a show... well I recently asked him to see a counselor with me. He downright refused. I asked if he will start doing these things I want us to do together. He said no. He told me the only way it will work is if I change back. I hated her. Is that fair for him to ask me to change and him not to even try. I think I know that answer. Well this last year I had a cancer scare and went through everything alone... like he didn't care. I am fine but opened my eyes up to life is too short. I feel I long for affection, caring, trust, just being with someone that loves to be with me. I recently told him I was getting a job. He refuses his wife to have one. I feel trapped. I am considering asking for a divorce. If he would try it would be different. Am I wrong for these thoughts I am going through.... or should I bite my tongue and change back. I'm confused.

You are finally growing up and becoming a mature woman who is discovering her own power and claiming her own life. Congratulations. You are unhitching yourself from what has been an unconsciously, emotionally codependent relationship. When one partner in a relationship does grow and begin to claim their power as an individual, but the other does not, here is what generally happens.... The one who does not grow is very threatened and wants to prevent the one who grows from growing. The one who grows gets confused for awhile, because of the previously longstanding unconscious and codependent emotional bond. But, in general, the one who grows finds that she (or he) cannot regress back to that more unconscious and codependent place. It's like an old set of clothing that actually no longer fits, never mind it being completely dated and out of style.

So, despite your confusion, it is very unlikely that you can change back. Not that I can see any reason you would want to. You do not describe a single redeeming quality in the relationship above that would make it even appeal to someone in their right mind.

Try this visualization experiment.... just for the next minute, just pretend the following is true.... just to get a feel for it....

As you read this now, visualize yourself taking some deep full breaths and feeling 100% okay and good within yourself, whole and complete. Let's say that you happen to be a single woman in this one minute visualization, by the way. Keep breathing and enjoying each breath. You breathe in the enjoyment of knowing that you are growing and becoming a total person. Now imagine that you fully love yourself and you love your life. You have a support system of friends and relatives who love you and reinforce your good feelings of self-respect and self-love. You have a sense of well-being that is mature and powerful. And you thoroughly enjoy your freedom to grow and discover more and more things about yourself that you truly like. You love your life. You are on a walk with a woman friend in nature somewhere, feeling absolutely at peace. You are enjoying the camaraderie and being out in the fresh air. The two of you sit down for a brief rest at some point, in a delightful spot. She has had a problem with her husband of many years. She describes to you a man like the one in the email above. She has began to grow, getting a better feeling about her life, but he is trying to hold her back. She has seen how happy you are in your life, and has come to trust your advice. She asks you what you would do if you were in her situation.... What would you advise her to do?

I thought maybe I would give you a 5-month later update... I sit here typing you from my new house in town... with my 2 children of which I have legal custody of... I changed my look somewhat... lost 40 pounds... and I take pride in the way I look now (and I love the compliments too... Well kids are in everything... they have kids over all the time and they joined groups... Well their dad and I managed to complete everything without any arguing... he's a little bitter... he will get over it as I have... I have booked a trip for myself and he has become more of a father to the kids now... Life is great... His dad was right... he looked at me with tears in his eyes (this coming from one of the strongest men I have known) and said "We love you very much and we have seen what has gone on... You stayed 9 years for the kids and now you need to leave for the kids..." WOW... He helped me house hunt and sold me a car as well... I have total support from his whole family... What I can't understand is why they never spoke up sooner any of them... I guess they were waiting for me to grow up and realize for myself... and I forgive them all for that... Well had a great Christmas this year... I have been reading alot of books... plan on going back to school... Life is good and I thank you for all your advice and thoughts... And if I was ever in that field I know exactly what I would say to my friend.... Thanks again...

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