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Stopping Destructive Communication Excerpt from Relationship Tools
for Positive Change Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | When many of us try to "work" on our relationship, the form of our communication does not work at all. Instead of resolving important issues, we may create even bigger problems and more upset feelings.... Many of the ways that we try to communicate do not work. Talking can go in circles for hours, and never get anywhere. The same issues just keep coming up again. How you talk makes a difference. How you communicate is like choosing the road you take. The road you take is how you act, talk and express your feelings, especially when faced with challenges or upset.
The road that most couples do take when faced with upsets is the familiar downward spiral. Partners go around and around the vicious circle until they land in the Hole. (Read more about the Hole, the vicious circle and the downward spiral.) Every couple has their own version of the Hole. If you've had a relationship, you know what I'm talking about. Things just don't work, no matter how hard you try. Trying to solve anything in the Hole is like trying to balance spinning plates when you are fall-over drunk. Emotional reactions alter the chemistry of the body and mind just as surely as any strong intoxicant. Talking from the Hole, partners end up saying things they later regret and perhaps didn't even mean. The damage from the discussion about the problem can be far worse than the problem itself. Partners misunderstand one another more often than not, and further inflame the issue. The attempt to solve things when you fall into the Hole is like trying to put a fire out by throwing gasoline on it. It is vital for partners to recognize and admit they do more damage than good when they go down the road to the Hole. Then agree to do something different!
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