Stopping Destructive Communication

Excerpt from Relationship Tools for Positive Change                                   Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
by John Grey, Ph.D.

(Full text available here)

Stop the Madness

No matter how hard you might try to “work” on things, if you’re in the Hole, you can only make matters worse. This is “work” that absolutely does not work. The coping strategies you use in the Hole are what destroy a relationship.

Specifically, the following behaviors kill love:

BLAMING: You blame your partner for causing the situation. Like, “You make me angry!” or “You ruined our entire vacation!” or “You frustrate me!”

NAME-CALLING: You put a negative label on your partner, like “insensitive” or “selfish” or some other critical name-calling. Like, “You are uptight!” or “You’re such a slob!”

DEFENDING: You try to defend yourself or prove your partner is wrong. Like, “That’s your problem!” or “What about when you did such and such” or “You’re wrong!” or “You never do it right.”

AVOIDING: You shut down, walk out, avoid the issue, pretend it’s not important, minimize, dismiss, or simply fail to listen and understand what your partner is saying.

Research has shown that continued use of these coping strategies leads to divorce or separation. In other words, if you want to split up, communicate like this.

I ask couples, "Can you remember one time when you went into the Hole and resolved an issue in a mutually satisfactory way?"

Usually there is silence...

Then I ask, "Can you name times when you went into the Hole and things just continued to get worse?" There is no shortage of reports where upsets escalated beyond control. Things said were taken the wrong way and there didn't seem to be any way to get through and be understood. Partners were left in an emotionally exhausted state, with even more to deal with than the original problem.

When we go into the Hole, we are being dominated by issues and emotions from the past. What we are trying to resolve has less to do with a current partner than it does with deep seated old wounds. We are most likely trying to resolve old wounds with parents or others from our past.

Yet the way we project that onto our partner now will only hurt our current love. Are you convinced yet that there is absolutely nothing that will be solved inside the Hole? Do you want to travel on a different road? If so, read on...

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