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Stopping Destructive Communication Excerpt from Relationship Tools
for Positive Change Page | 1 | 2| 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Making a "Time Out" Agreement To use the "Time Out!" effectively, a couple needs to make a clear, specific agreement. This means writing up the agreement as a contract and signing it. The contract begins by stating its purpose... to stop engaging in behaviors that destroy your relationship and to act in a way that helps you really resolve things and stay on a positive track. The contract goes on to declare the specific behavioral agreements that support its purpose. These are all necessary for the "Time Out!" tool to actually work. The next page details the six ingredients to a good agreement.
Later on, when you are well practiced in the "Time Out!" tool, you can learn to put up a detour sign or fluidly move around the Hole. You can even learn to take an abrupt right turn and travel down a new road. Using the Time Out tool is the first step. When I had recurrent back pain, my physical therapist told me, "If you want to heal your back, you need to stop doing more damage to it. Stop lifting heavy objects!" It seems pretty obvious now. And it worked. So does the "Time Out!" tool. If you want to start truly resolving issues, you need to stop doing more damage to your love. Trying to resolve issues when you're in the Hole is the equivalent of lifting heavy objects when your back is already out. |
