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Stopping Destructive Communication
Ingredients in a "Time Out" Agreement
There are six ingredients required to make a complete "Time Out!" Agreement.
If you leave one of these out... or fail to observe it... the tool will
not work.
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Pick a Signal —
You formally pick a verbal signal for "Time Out!" This can be the
word "Pause" or "Time Out" or anything else that will work for you.
It should be short and clearly identifiable in any context. I had clients, for instance, who raised horses. I bet you can guess the signal they chose. |
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Signal is Absolute —
You agree that when this verbal signal is given by either person,
you both will immediately stop no matter what is happening. There
needs to be no further explanation of why one of you has called a
stop. No justification is required. You already understand the full
meaning of the verbal signal and the intention behind using it. There
is no debate. It is absolute. You stop and take a time out! |
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Your Job is to Signal — It is your job to say "Time Out!" as soon as possible... whenever
you sense things are moving in the direction of the Hole. You must
say it as soon as you realize you are starting to react. You don't
wait or think, "We can solve this if I can just make my point" or
"I can take a little more of this..." You say "Time Out!" Hesitation
to do this is the main failing point of most couples in using this
tool. |
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Propose When to Come Back — Whoever says "Time Out!" proposes the time and place to come
back together in order to address the issue in a more resourceful
way. It is then their primary duty to get centered in order to better
hear the other person. |
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Come Back Resourceful — Ideally, the time out period should be at least one hour, but
not more than 24. You can agree to exceptions. Work within the schedules
of each partner to find a time where you both are most likely to be
resourceful. In the beginning, some couples I coach may use a "Time
Out!" and then postpone resolution until they see me. They report
that they continue to interact in positive ways in the meantime, feeling
like a weight has been lifted off their backs. When we all get together
in our coaching session, I teach them new ways to communicate and
get the results they want. |
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You Must Come Back —
You must come back as agreed. The "Time Out!" tool is not a method
for avoiding important issues. It's a way to stay resourceful, where
you can successfully negotiate wants and needs and find mutual resolution.
It's a way to keep the heat of destructive reactions from kicking
in and taking you into the Hole. |
While "Time Out" is a necessary first tool, here are some other powerful tools for successful communication, to work through and heal negative feelings and stuckness, and to avoid destructive relationship patterns. (Read more...)
Excerpt from Relationship Tools
for Positive Change
by John Grey, Ph.D.
(Full text available here)
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