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Beyond the Honeymoon Excerpt from Relationship Tools
for Positive Change Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Under the Influence of "Fight or Flight" Chemistry Couples in the Hole are dominated by their reactivity. The "fight or flight" reaction powerfully alters body-brain chemistry. It's the chemistry that ancient humans needed to battle or escape a tiger suddenly appearing in the jungle. In relationship, this chemical reaction fundamentally changes how we talk and act. It is like being very intoxicated. Very very intoxicated. The chemicals have taken over. This is important to realize. When you are in the Hole... you are under the influence. It is not alcohol that is chemically influencing us. It's something much stronger. The chemicals pumping through our bodies are cortisol and adrenaline. As the brain's chemical balance shifts in preparation for "fight or flight," our pulse rate and breathing alters, our perception narrows, and our mental capacity collapses into black and white thinking. Statements get dramatized and overgeneralized. You hear things like, "You never help me around here!" "I'm always cleaning up after you!" In the Hole, our positive options are sharply reduced... if not gone altogether. Yet, people keep trying to resolve the situation, as if they could! Each wants to put in the final word. Emotions escalate. Someone may explode or leave. Most couples can recognize their own version of being in the Hole. One question I have repeatedly asked is: "Has there ever been one time when you were in the Hole and able to work things out in a successful way?" I have yet to hear a single story of any such success. Nor am I likely to, for a very good reason: solving an interpersonal issue takes skill. Would you do brain surgery if you were totally drunk? Then why try to negotiate an important issue when you are under the influence of the chemistry of "fight or flight"? Healthy, happy partners occasionally have big issues... but they do not try to solve things if they fall into the Hole. In fact, they avoid the Hole as much as possible. No matter how hard couples try, if they are in the Hole, they only make matters worse. Research has proven that the strategies of the Hole are what destroy a relationship.
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