Articles on Love

Beyond the Honeymoon

In The Hole You Destroy a Relationship

Here are the strategies that emerge from people when they are in the Hole:

		BLAME: "You ruined our entire vacation!"
		LABEL: "You are weak!" "You're such a slob!"
		CRITICIZE: "You're self-centered!" "You are needy!"
		CAUSE: "You frustrate me!" "You make me upset!"
		DEFENSIVE: "That's your problem!" "What about when you..."
		STONEWALL: Walk out. Avoid the issue.
		WIN-LOSE: "You're wrong!" "You never do it right."

Most of us can recognize one or more of these strategies. They seem like normal things to do when you are upset. But be warned. They dare destructive.

Unless you develop different strategies to resolve issues, the strategies of the Hole will either destroy your partnership, or leave you sharing long term unhappiness.

In my coaching practice, when I first see couples I often hear reports from the Hole. Each partner makes a case for how they are right, how the other person needs to change.

I ask them, "Would you rather be right... or happy?"

Contrast the strategies of the Hole with the ones discussed next, which are effective in solving interpersonal issues. These are keys for building long-term happiness in love.

Smart couples only attempt to resolve issues when they are clearly outside of the Hole. If they find themselves moving toward the Hole, they will stop and continue later when they can be more resourceful.

I teach couples specific strategies for developing the skills of success. I give them clear ways to avoid falling in the Hole and being under its destructive influence. When they start using these tools, things start moving in a positive direction.