Personal boundaries define where you end and where someone else begins.
They resemble a fence that distinguishes what is your property from what
belongs to a partner. Inside the fence you will find what you feel, what
you want, what you need, what you think, and what works for you. Outside
the fence is the property of your partner - what they feel, want, need,
think, and what works for them.
The card BOUNDARIES invites you to look at how you set and respect personal
boundaries in your relationship. Clear boundaries promote healthy relating.
With clear boundaries, you know what you really feel. You know what you
want or need. And you can clearly state what you feel, want, or need to
your partner. Nothing is left out, nothing is left unstated, and nothing
is left to the imagination of the other person.
Boundaries also have gates that you can open - or close. When closed,
you go within yourself to know what is true for you. When open, you are
available to truly let in, listen to, and consider whatever your partner
is expressing.
Perhaps the card BOUNDARIES is encouraging you to learn to more fully
close your gates at certain times. If your gates get stuck in the open
position, then you may have trouble saying "no" to others. This
card may be asking you to take some time out to go inside yourself - to
better know what you yourself feel, need, or want. You may need to oil
your hinges and practice closing your gates at times so you can come to
better know and respect who you are.
On the other hand, maybe BOUNDARIES has appeared to encourage you to open
more fully. If your gates get stuck in the closed position, acting like
walls, then you may never truly open to connect with others or let them
all the way in. You may be concerned about being trapped, controlled,
or losing yourself. You may have trouble fully saying "yes"
to others. This card may be letting you know that you are now safe to
open to others. You may need to oil your hinges and practice opening your
gates - opening your heart, reaching outside of yourself, and learning
to trust that you are safe to let others more fully into your life.
Unclear boundaries create big problems in relating. If you cannot distinguish
what is going on in each of you, difficulties with a partner become magnified.
If you can't tell what each of you feels, you can't sort out what is really
going on between you. If you can't state what each of you wants or needs,
you won't know how to truly resolve your issues.
Clarifying your own boundaries is very beneficial. Do this by asking yourself
these questions: "What do I truly feel? What do I really want or
need? What truly works for me?" It can be useful to discuss your
answers to these questions with your partner, and also find out how they
answer these questions. If you do this, let one person speak at a time
- uninterrupted.
Flexibility in opening or closing your gates is what allows you to merge
with a partner - or be separate - at different times. While it is wonderful
to merge, it is also important to know who you are individually. Knowing
your boundaries, respecting them, and choosing to open or to close makes
for a healthy, dynamic relationship between two whole people.
©1995-2004 John Grey & Bonney Meyer